Avoiding Hell in Discussions (3 Tips)

You don’t want your discussions to go to Hell. This does not mean the topic of Hell should never arise. Rather, you want to monitor the temperature of the discussion very carefully and use the right tactics to prevent an overheated conversation.

In part one of this series, I revealed that the #1 thing you must do is to ASK QUESTIONS rather than MAKE STATEMENTS. However, that is not the only thing. You also need the right questions. But even that is not enough. You need to add more to your tactical tool belt. In this post, I recommend three more things (the 3 P’s) to help you discuss tough topics and avoid ineffective, fire-breathing screaming matches.

In addition to the strategy of ASKING QUESTIONS you should:

1. Prepare
2. Pray
3. Practice kindness

The First P

First, let’s talk preparation. I am a math teacher. I plan questions to facilitate intellectual discussion focused on math content. Sometimes I don’t plan out the questions in advance. I teach a topic or introduce an activity and then “go with the flow” of conversation. Without a doubt, the better conversations start with the questions I planned. Most of the worst lessons I’ve ever taught (and I’ve taught some bad ones) were due to lack of planning and not anticipating what my students might say or do.

That is the purpose of preparing to discuss tough topics. Plan your questions. Anticipate what some common responses to a topic might be and how you can handle it with a question. Think back to past discussions you have had on the topic and how you could improve your responses.

For example, if you discuss the existence of God with a skeptic, atheist, or agnostic, there’s a good chance you will chat about the moral argument. So, it would be helpful to know the most common man-on-the-street reply to such an argument is, “But there are plenty of good people who don’t believe in God. You don’t need to believe in God to be a good, moral person.” Those who have prepared for such a discussion will be aware of this and able to correct the misunderstanding right away. We will discuss the moral argument in detail on this website, but for now remember the key take-away: When discussing tough topics, or just living life, the more you prepare, the more you will succeed.

The Second P

Second on my list, pray. Pray to God for the courage, resolve, and prudence needed to discuss tough topics. The adversary does not want you to bring up religion in conversation. And when you do, he wants you to be ridiculed. It is very tempting to stay silent, ignore, or pass over important discussions with people who disagree with you. Praying will help strengthen your resolve to enter discussions.
Entrepreneurs have identified the reality of the imposter syndrome. John Lee Dumas describes this very well in his book on podcasting:

“This is the number one doozy of them all. It affects every single human being on the planet. We all have those doubts and those fears that haunt us in everything we do. . . ”

The imposter inside of us screams, who are you to act like an expert and enter tough discussions. I don’t have a PHd. I haven’t read 50 academic books and studied various fields deeply. This talk is silly. We don’t have to be experts, and we don’t have to read 50 books (though that’s not bad if you have the time!). We need to pray, prepare, and be instruments of the Holy Spirit.

Pray to remind yourself that God is real and part of every waking moment of your life. He is nearer to you than the veins in your neck, and he already knows everything about you and loves you. If you have trouble on this front (who doesn’t?) check out Matthew Leonard’s great free guide to jumpstart your prayer life.

The Third P

Third, practice kindness. Smile. Use a goodhearted joke. Laugh with others. Human beings connect when they trust each other, and they are not going to trust a mean-spirited jerk. Recall the book of Proverbs when it says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” In a world of people that want to shout people down and destroy property, we should aim to be ambassadors for genuine conversation. In doing so, we will stand out and our conversations will enjoy more fruit.

Going Deeper

Fourthly, I have three books to recommend if you want to delve very deep into the art of discussing tough topics. HOWEVER, I must stress that the best way to proceed is to simply GO FOR IT! You will make mistakes. You will learn from them. And God will be with you every step of the way, even if you think you make a fool of yourself here and there. Remember, every expert was once a beginner.

Put yourself out there. You will learn from your failures. And you will improve!

I recommend:

1. Tactics by Greg Koukl. A classic in the field of apologetics and evangelization. This is the best book on the subject. You will learn a lot!
2. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (secular). A classic that my parents read and gave to me to read. I reread the principles from time to time because they are so powerful.
3. Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss (secular). This is a new book by a retired FBI hostage negotiator. It is riveting. He sucks you right in with incredible stories, and he teaches extremely useful principles for negotiating in real life. He shows how much of life, and everyday conversation, can improve with good negotiation tactics.

Prepare, pray, practice kindness and enter the conversation!