Punch the Bully in the Nose

Schoolyard bullies expect you to cower in fear and fold. If the bully has you outnumbered, this is especially true. However, if you catch him off guard, face him, and punch him right in the nose, the shock of the situation may be enough to ward off the whole gang. Counter-sharing provides that punch in certain situations when tough topics arise.

NOTE: If you haven’t yet, check out the first two posts in these series:

Part 1: The #1 Thing needed to discuss tough topics

Part 2: The 3 P’s for improving your discussions

What is Counter-sharing?

Counter-sharing is sharing your positive testimony in response to someone else’s negative testimony.

Consider the following scenarios:

Ex. 1:  Several people chat in a circle before an exercise class. A woman remarks, “My cousin is getting married and it’s been miserable. The priest is the worst and keeps asking them all these questions like whether they are using contraception. Apparently, my Uncle Cameron who is divorced and remarried isn’t allowed to receive communion. It’s awful. It’s why I left the Catholic Church.”

Ex. 2: At the luncheon after a funeral, several relatives are sitting around a table when a boisterous cousin with a strong personality declares, “And that’s why religion is for small people. I used to be religious. But now I realize religion is a crutch for those who can’t deal with the realities of life.” 

The Outcome

I found myself in situations exactly like those. What resulted? In the first case, most people, even the Catholics, agreed that the priest was mean and that was terrible. In the second case, awkward silence filled the air, and eventually  someone changed the subject.

Notice, in both examples the group heard negative testimony ONLY (others were silent or agreed with the negative). This intimidating situation can strike a blow to believers. I recommend counter-sharing to remedy for situations like these.

Now, do not jettison the tactical approach of asking questions. But when in a group situation faced with powerful negative testimony, an interrogation can seem cold or lacking in empathy. Instead, counter-share: Provide your own positive testimony in response to someone else’s negative testimony.

How to Counter-share?

Prepare to counter-share by recalling your own relevant experience. Then, follow this two step method:

1. Offer sympathy, recognizing any pain or hardship caused by the situation.
2. Explain how you are especially sorry because your experience has been so different.

Let’s look at some examples of counter-sharing in response to the initial examples laid out above:

Reply to Ex. 1: I’m so sorry your cousin had a bad experience with his priest. Especially because my own experience as a Catholic is so different. In college, we had a priest, Fr. Bill, who was the kindest and most genuine person you could meet. My friends and I were so blessed to know him. 

Reply to Ex. 2: I’m so sorry you’ve had such negative experiences with religion. Especially because my personal experience is just the opposite. When I go through the tough day-to-day grind of work and obligations, I get exhausted. But the Catholic religion provides hope. I’m so happy to know that there is MORE to life than the daily grind, and that there is the possibility of everlasting joy with the creator of the world. So yes, perhaps religion IS a crutch that holds us up in a broken world, and I am thankful for it.

The Benefits

These counter-shares have a lot of potential positives.

• The negative experience is NOT the only one on the table.
• It strengthens fellow religious believers and builds their confidence.
• You avoid attacking the other person’s experience.
• Doors to future conversations are opened with people interested in what you said.
• It sparks dialogue about the conflicting experiences.

Equipped with the #1 thing, the 3 P’s, and the ability to counter-share, you are ready to discuss tough topics. These tactics are not magic bullets to melt the enemy, but they are tools to improve your confidence and effectiveness in conversation.

Have you ever counter-shared  in a real-life situation? Comment below about it!